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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133748">Stand By</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainysleeping/pseuds/rainysleeping'>rainysleeping</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ASTRO (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Brotherly Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Jinwoo being a good hyung, Mental Health Issues, lots of hugs, mentions of depression and anxiety, sanha needs hugs, the others are mentioned - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:48:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26133748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainysleeping/pseuds/rainysleeping</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sanha finds himself spiraling alone, Jinwoo-hyung is there to pick him right back up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin &amp; Yoon Sanha, Park Jinwoo | Jin Jin/Yoon Sanha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stand By</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For my precious baby, Ace &lt;3 thank you for being so sweet and supportive kiddo! Thank you for giving me this prompt idea as well &lt;3 hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a dark and quiet night when Sanha found himself absentmindedly kicking the ground beneath his feet, feebly attempting to push himself on the swing. The repeated grating of wood chips flying about faded into a faint buzz in his ears. He wasn’t really sure what the exact time was. The last time he checked his phone the glaring white numbers on screen had told him it was around midnight, before his battery inevitably died after a hectic day of schedules. </p><p>He kicked off the ground, the creak of the swing harshly cutting through the silent night. </p><p>They’d all stayed out late, working to perfect their preparations for the upcoming album. Jinwoo was looking over lyrics with their producers in the studio, making sure the album setup was just right. Myungjun and Moonbin worked together to get the melody and notes to match and deliver the exact sound that they wanted. Minhyuk and Dongmin had stayed behind at the dance studio, with Dongmin and Sanha needing some extra practice with a particular dance step that they just couldn’t seem to get right. </p><p>But that seemed like ages ago, before Sanha had left with their manager after finally getting the steps down well enough to earn Minhyuk’s quiet approval and therefore dismissal, but not before sending Dongmin a sympathetic look. Minhyuk wasn’t harsh with his critiques, but he was thorough with his teaching, and left no room for any mistakes. It often led to late nights at the studio and a plethora of water bottles and energy drinks scattered about during practice. </p><p>The swing strained with his weight, reminding him that he was not as young and carefree as he used to be. </p><p>It didn’t take too long to get back to the dorm, with their manager dropping him off with a good night and a <i>‘Rest well, kiddo’</i> before turning around to go pick up the others and tend to their needs. The maknae watched the familiar black van go silently as he stood in front of their dorm building. </p><p>Sanha loved Manager Noh, and felt so grateful towards the man who made sure their needs were met to the best of his ability —which is why the maknae felt a little bad about waiting until the van turned the corner and making sure the older man was well on his way before turning away from the dorm. With his arms wrapped around himself he walked away from the dorm, letting his feet carry him wherever as he zoned out. </p><p><i>Another kick, this time harder, with wood chips scraping against his ankles as they flew.</i> </p><p>It was rare that Sanha was ever really alone, especially at this time of night. Usually one of his hyung’s would accompany him and Sanha knew it wasn’t because of their excuses about not being tired or being finished with their work (because work never truly finished whenever they were preparing for an album). It was rather because the other members weren’t fond of the idea of leaving Sanha alone at the dorm, since he was still so young, and who knew what crazy, weird fans might be doing, lurking around in the dark (amongst other scary things that Dongmin and Jinwoo always worried about). Sanha couldn’t help but think that saesangs and gang members seemed like a slightly better option than the storm inside his head, the burning feeling that made him uncomfortable in his own skin. Sanha shook his head to dispel such thoughts, instantly feeling horrible for thinking them and darkening his mood even further. </p><p>With comeback season drawing closer and closer, Sanha was able to find some time to himself, away from all the rush and chaos that was usually included with comeback season. One would think it would be the opposite and that he wouldn’t have a moment’s rest, but that was not the case with the other boys taking on extra roles during preparations. Minhyuk became a dance instructor; Jinwoo, a composer and manager; Myungjun a vocal coach, and so on. Even Dongmin was busy dividing his time between solo schedules to promote the group and brushing up on language skills for their tours while Moonbin helped with making sure everything sounded and looked just right for their upcoming performances. Everyone had something to do, something <i>more</i> to contribute. </p><p>Everyone, except Sanha. He would be lying if he said it didn’t bother him, with the ugly, curling feeling in the pit of his stomach claiming otherwise. </p><p><i>Another sound joined the rhythmic screeching of the old swing, but it was muffled, too far away for Sanha to make out properly.</i> </p><p>Rubbing his arms, the young maknae realized that he’d accidentally left his jacket in the car and grumbled at the offending breeze, knowing that he’d no doubt get scolded when he returned to the dorm later. His feet had dragged to a stop when he neared the playground, the empty swing set inviting him to rest after a long day. A voice in the back of his mind told him he should call, or text the hyungs at least, to let them know where he was, especially since they would no doubt be coming home in the next couple hours or so, but he hadn’t found it in himself to move his hand and fetch his phone just yet. </p><p>It was one of those times, Sanha realized, where his body was completely shutting down as he was swallowed by intrusive thoughts and ideas. It was a familiar routine at this point. He was so busy during the day, and he was perfectly fine as long as he was distracted enough. But as soon as the distractions lessed, the darker thoughts that always seemed to lurk in the corner of his mind were ready to strike like snakes coiling around him, choking him until it was hard to breath and even harder to see as tears welled up in his eyes. The thoughts struck the hardest when he was alone; when he didn’t have his loud, crazy hyungs to quiet the harsh voices. </p><p>Sanha wasn’t sure why it happened, or why it was getting more difficult to feel that same spark of happiness that he had lost some time ago. Why having energy to simply survive the day was becoming harder, even after he forced bitter coffee down his throat like clockwork. And he hated that. He hated not knowing why he felt so awful, and why he couldn’t just <i>be happy</i>, like everyone else. </p><p>Sanha briefly remembered googling his symptoms, biting his lip anxiously one night under the covers as he scrolled through the search results, nausea worsening with every link, every article as <i>depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks</i> flashed across his screen. He’d closed the tab and locked his phone quickly after that, cursing the tears that stung at his eyes. He hated those words. He hated them because they meant that he was weak, that something was <i>wrong</i> with him. Sanha didn’t want anything to be wrong with him. He didn’t want to be weak. He wanted to be cool, and strong and hardworking, just like his hyungs. But he wasn’t any of those things. He was the complete opposite. </p><p><i>The voice was closer this time. Louder. He wasn’t sure what it was saying, but he knew that the voice was familiar.</i> </p><p>The thoughts became worse when he realized that he wouldn’t just be useless, but he’d also be weighing the rest of the members down. Sure, he was the maknae, and he was cute and teased his hyungs, but anyone could do that; after all, Myungjun wasn’t called the fake maknae for nothing. His vocals were mediocre at best, the cracks and fluctuation of his voice making it difficult to be confident in his singing. His vocal coach assured him that it was <i>normal</i>, and that he would grow out of it someday, but until then, he was forced to be the unwilling cause of repeats during recording sessions.</p><p>Sanha was, in a word: replaceable.</p><p>It scared him to think that he could lose everything should the company decide he wasn’t good enough. That he wasn’t cut out to make it in the unforgiving reality of the industry. He would lose his dream, his career, his hyungs. The people and things that he cared most about could slip between his fingers as he watched, trapped by the could haves,  the should bes and the what ifs.</p><p><i>You should be better. You could have trained harder. How long are you going to stay weak like this? They’re better off without you. You’re only holding them back. They don’t even love you.</i> </p><p>He sniffled, cursing out loud deliberately since he knew no one was here to stop or berate him. Sanha wasn’t a stranger to crying, all kinds of crying. Happy crying, sad crying, angry crying,getting-Jinwoo-to-buy-him-a-treat-when-they-went-out-shopping-for-strictly-healthy-groceries crying. The thought of Jinwoo and the others only made his sniffling worse as Sanha worried his bottom lip between his teeth until he tasted copper against his tongue. </p><p><i>“Sanha!”</i>  </p><p>The boy jerked his head up, eyes widening in shock as he saw a short figure making its way towards him. He realized with a start that it was Jinwoo. His feet came down without his consent, stopping the swing suddenly in a spray of wood chips. </p><p>“Hyung?” he barely had time to whisper before the older boy was in front of him, strong arms wrapping tightly around his lanky frame. </p><p>“Oh my <i>god</i>, Sanha, we thought you were gone! You weren’t answering your phone and we looked for you everywhere at the studio— what were you doing out here by yourself? Are you hurt? Did someone bother you?” </p><p>The maknae blinked at the barrage of questions, face pressed into the older boy’s chest.  Jinwoo sounded so worried, so <i>terrified</i> of the thought that their maknae was gone. Sanha  felt the familiar heavy feeling of guilt settle in his stomach. He gently pushed his hyung away, unable to meet his eyes. What was he supposed to say? That he didn’t know why he was out here? That he couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror, much less face the others when he so obviously was letting them down, holding the team back? So much to say and explain, yet he couldn’t move his lips to utter a single word. </p><p>Jinwoo’s gentle hands hovered near him, and out of the corner of his eyes, Sanha saw them shake. He bit his lip when his hyung’s hands retracted and he shut his eyes tight. Maybe Jinwoo had finally given up on him. Maybe the older boy finally realized that Sanha was just not worth the trouble. Maybe he was mad at Sanha and was so disgusted with him that it was better if he just left him out here. Jinwoo’s voice, soft and quiet cut through his thoughts as Sanha opened his eyes in surprise. </p><p>“Sanha...kiddo, what’s wrong?” </p><p>Jinwoo hadn’t left him. But why? Their leader instead was sitting down on his knees against the wood chips, so that he was more or less on the same eye level as Sanha. Under normal circumstances, Sanha would be laughing and teasing his hyung about his height, but that bubbly, cute Sanha seemed so unattainable now. Wetting his dry lips, Sanha chanced a glance at Jinwoo, knowing he owed his hyung some sort of answer no matter how much he didn’t want to speak right now. In the dim light, Sanha could make out the faintest of tear tracks on his hyung’s face, unsurprising to him despite the additional guilt that weighed on him heavily. Jinwoo was easily the most emotional out of the six members, crying openly and freely. The others adored him all the more for it, despite the occasional teasing that they partook in. Lots of things made Jinwoo cry, but Sanha never thought he could come to be one of them. </p><p>Another thing to add to his mental list of reasons why he didn’t belong. </p><p>“Sanha? Talk to me, kiddo. I can’t help you until I know what’s wrong,” Jinwoo tried again, and maybe it was the way that their leader’s voice was so warm and open that put a crack in Sanha’s dam. </p><p>“I-I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m just, so tired,” Sanha sniffled, shrinking in on himself as he talked, the words escaping him as the crack widened and allowed all the pent up frustration and despair to flood through; once he started, he couldn’t stop. “It-it really hurts, inside. I can’t sleep, I have these v-voices in my head and they keep—they keep saying really <i>mean</i> things, hyung,” he choked back a sob, “I’m trying really hard, I promise, but they won’t stop, and I’m so tired, I c-can’t do anything, and I’m just holding you guys back. You should kick me out of the group!” Sanha hated the way his voice cracked as he talked. Hated the way he was so out of breath, his chest heaving with the effort of trying to not completely break down in front of their leader. </p><p><i>How embarrassing, you’re pathetic.</i> </p><p>Sanha knew that. He knew all the awful, ugly words that his own mind was throwing at him, so why wouldn’t the voices stop? </p><p>Jinwoo was quiet for a moment before speaking up slowly, “How long have you been feeling this way, Sanha?” </p><p>Sanha wiped at his teary eyes, giving a tiny shrug. He felt so drained. “I dunno,” he mumbled, looking down at his feet, “a while I guess.” He heard the older boy inhale sharply and he bit his lip nervously. </p><p><i>Stupid. Why did you say that?</i> </p><p>“Have you told anyone else about this?” </p><p>The younger bit his lip and sniffled, shaking his head.</p><p>“Okay,” Jinwoo exhaled, “I’m not...I’m not going to pressure you or anything, okay kiddo? But we can talk to manager-hyung and see if we can get you some help, is that okay?” The leader kept his voice low, quiet. Sanha fiddled with the hem of his shirt, picking at loose threads. </p><p>“I...I don’t know. I don’t want to tell manager-nim,” Sanha whispered finally, embarrassment making his cheeks heat up. It’s not that he didn’t trust their manager; he just didn’t want to ruin whatever good reputation he had with the older man. </p><p>“Okay—that’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” </p><p>Sanha nodded, even though he couldn’t help but feel like he disappointed his hyung somehow. He was about to open his mouth to apologize when Jinwoo interrupted.</p><p>“Sanha? Can I touch you?” the older boy spoke softly, mindful of Sanha’s current state. </p><p>A part of Sanha wanted to say no, wanted to tell Jinwoo to go away, and leave him alone. Another bigger part of Sanha, however, was tired and <i>craved</i> comfort, safety, reassurance. So he nodded, letting out a small ‘yeah’.  </p><p>Jinwoo wasted no time, standing up and gathering the younger boy in his arms, one hand gently cradling the back of Sanha’s head. The maknae let out a sigh, sagging against Jinwoo almost instantly, the fatigue catching up to him quickly. Sanha wrapped his long arms around Jinwoo’s torso, fingers digging into the fabric of the older boy’s shirt. It wasn’t long before Jinwoo felt a damp spot growing on his shirt, a quiet sniffle telling the older boy that Sanha was crying. He leaned down to press a kiss on top of Sanha’s head. </p><p>“You’re okay, kiddo. Let it out,” he murmured, closing his eyes as he listened to their youngest break down. It tore at Jinwoo’s heart, hearing their youngest sound so broken and sad, so much unlike the usual giggly maknae that they were used to. Jinwoo would be lying if he said he wasn’t afraid. He couldn’t help but berate himself for not noticing how much their maknae was suffering sooner. </p><p>“I’m s-sorry, hyung,” Sanha’s voice came muffled. Jinwoo instantly shook his head. </p><p>“Hey no more of that okay?” Jinwoo replied,drawing back just enough in order to cup Sanha’s face carefully, making sure to look the younger boy in the eyes. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. There’s nothing wrong with you, and no one will be mad at you. And if anyone has anything to say, they’ll have to go through hyung,” Jinwoo spoke firmly. “You are not holding us back, kiddo. We need you. You have contributed so much to this team, to this <i>family</i>, and we wouldn’t be complete without you.” </p><p>Sanha’s eyes watered for the umpteenth time that night, and Jinwoo carefully traced his thumbs under the younger boy’s eyes. </p><p>“We’re not gonna leave you, kiddo. Hyung loves you so, so much, okay? All your hyungs do. You made it here for a reason. Because you belong here. You are <i>worth</i> being here,” Jinwoo leaned in to gently kiss Sanha’s forehead and the younger boy’s lips twitched upwards. “Whatever you’re going through, Sanha, we’re here for you. We won’t leave you. Ever.” </p><p>Sanha cried at Jinwoo’s words. His hyung spoke so passionately, with so much conviction that even the voices inside his head couldn’t dare to disagree. There was so much love and trust flowing from their leader, for <i>him</i>, and Sanha grabbed onto that love like a man drowning at sea. </p><p>He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but the words got caught in his throat. He didn’t know where to begin. Sanha wanted to say so much: tell his hyung how much he loved him too, promise to work harder, do better. Anything to let Jinwoo know how much Sanha appreciated this moment. How much he appreciates Jinwoo being their leader, their <i>brother</i>. Nonetheless and try as he might, nothing came out, his brain feeling sluggish and tired from all the crying and overthinking that he’d done for the night. All he could do was look at his hyung and hoped that his eyes could convey what his words could not. </p><p>In the end, he must have succeeded because Jinwoo seemed to understand what Sanha was trying to say. The older boy smiled softly, and the sight calmed Sanha, who mirrored his hyung with his own wobbly smile. The heavy feeling in his chest lifted slightly as his breaths returned to normal. </p><p>He wasn’t sure how long he stayed that way, grounding himself in Jinwoo’s embrace as he mulled over his hyung’s words. He wasn’t the best dancer, the best vocalist, the best visual, or even the best maknae. And he knew that he wasn’t fine, wasn’t anywhere close to okay; but he had his hyungs. With them, he could <i>become</i> anything. </p><p>And that had to count for something.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much everyone for reading! This story unintentionally became a sort of comfort fic for my own emotions and I enjoyed writing it. Maybe that's why it has quickly grown to have a special place in my heart lol. </p><p>As always, you can find me chillin' over on <a href="https://twitter.com/rainysleeping">twitter</a> where I post spoilers, answer questions, and cry over the boys. </p><p>See you all next time!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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